Chapter 8 – Digital Excess & Youth Life

Super kids are made by the convergence of digital influence of super heroes & parental need to cover up lack of daily heart attention with extraordinary gifts, super holidays & superlatives.  Kids feel “great”, act great & believe above others – dyspathy. Daily real life love & schooling them thru household chores – experts say will make sensible children.

Heart brain is a complex of 40000 relaying neurones behind the heart that acts like a little brain – moral umpire. Our executive decisions of the frontal lobe are relayed for affirmation or otherwise to the heart brain. Signal says – yes or no. When a child’s heart brain is engaged by love, hugs, empathy & parental time – this relay action is strong. When the child is not heart engaged by parents but are put on digital machines, his heart relay station is defunct.

The child’s spirit, sprite & stretch-ability (3 S) are like an elastic. She must peak stretch at graduation. Modern drive of ambitious parents & digital coercion stretch children far too early & their stretch-ability fractures. Resilience, flexibility, pliability, mould ability suffer. They become like used creole. Digital stimulation & games and multitasking make milkshake of their brain tracts. Give them ease & space to take  the jump – hop, step & jump – relax.

 

Kids & Youth by 12 yrs are exposed to a conglomerate of factors that push them for quick heroic risky unsustainable success

1. Parents minimally engaged them at heart level – lack of time – failure of early & late bonding. 44 year old top CEO, COO, CIO, CFO who travels overseas 3 times a month (sign of corporate high arrival) may have a child 4 yrs old. Imagine how little time child gets – “door key ” or “latchkey” children.
2. Programs, performance & results were prioritised – child was stretched till their elasticity, flexibility, malleability, pliability fractured – child said I hate myself – I can’t match the expectation – stretched too early. High stretch point should be after 21 years at first graduate degree.
3. In the absence of heart engagement, child & youth engaged life with the brain like a machine.  Smart gadgets, technology & online life provided “loving” company & identity,
4. Children had to decide for themselves – parents said – you decide. The drive to make children independent – smart, seems to have arisen from two sources. Parents needing “free” time & skewed view of making adults fast. Spin off was children tried everything including sex too fast. They soon got more independent than parents bargained.
5. Cartoons & digital games pushed them to believe in super hero who wins every time
6. Inattention, impulsive, hyperactivity
7. Fear, loneliness, having to perform & prove wired them – no contentment with present – seek the next thing – fear of long term relationships.
8. Digital surplus wired them for bottom up regulation – start sudden, no planned navigation, thrills on the way rather than wait patiently for end pleasure & reward, quick results – attitude spills over to food, money, sex,
9. Seek risk & thrill & prove to peers you are great – push boundaries, break the limits, court trouble

10. Fantasy – go for the fantastic, games, cartoons, dinosaurs, spooky, zombie, exposure to ghostly, other worldly, unable to do the simple things in life – studies boring

11. Only community is out there – no community at home or family. Child’s smartness, achievement or success had to hold the fragile family bond as parents veered in two different directions – career or affections.

1. 12.  Parental conflict – unpleasant home – peers make family. Parents nor teachers were role models. Sports, entertainment, cartoons – provided role models, heroes.

 

Children are fiercely loyal – this loyalty is safe only when directed to parents. Let nothing steal this loyalty in which a child receives & gives love. Thye need time with you to develop loyalty. If they don’t get your time they will not learn attention or loyalty. They will be self serving – you didn’t serve them. Forcing  Competition on children for studies or sports or music or what ever is an abuse of this loyalty children give to parents. Then they fracture inside under the weight of trying to fulfil loyalty demands. Children when exposed to cartoons become brand loyal demanding the same brand in water bottles, school bags, stickers, watches etc. Their hearts are stolen too young by the digital fad & they later give their hearts to unworthy at times debased pursuits. Keep your child’s heart as long as you can – it’s a sacred trust – it’s good for their brain, learning & for morals. .

Digital fires bake nothing – but burn up young time to ashes – kids have become little pathetic kings of the valley of ashes  A youth or kid wasting 5 hours on the digital screen – games, cartoons, TV etc. should be not be relegated to norm. Our heads should scream absurd – stop this – as Telemachus yelled at the Roman arena & of course paid with his life – but the bloody Roman games ceased soon after. How did we tame ourselves to this tragic compromise – adults had their own costly market feeding & market leading addictions. Adults came to believe addictions are here to stay – so rationalised the digital invasion of the child’s mind – citing brilliance as the illusive by product. The Market saw the opportunity to expand its profit on the children arena. Busy parental lifestyles saw but refused to perceive the tragic loss of 2 or 3 generations to the weird, absurd, spooky. Science’s marvels & technological superlatives have generated a new class of slaves – digitalised kid. “Let My Children Go Free”.

 

Pearl Story – true & fake – Serela was 12 + yrs & increasingly isolating herself to smart phone with new found digital friends & digital glamour– dad & mom realised. A sweet child was learning rudeness. Night time story reading with dad was irksome. She refused to do any household chore. She one day saw a beautiful fake pearl necklace & demanded it be bought. Mom & dad decided this was their chance. Dad – sweetie yes you’ll buy it  with pocket money we give you when you do your household chores – such as arranging your own bed etc. She wanted to know what more she can do to earn extra so that she can quickly buy her fancy. She got Rs 50 for morning work from mom & another Rs 50 for evening work from dad. In 10 days Serela had enough for necklace. She said – dad I am better for having helped myself – I will continue my room hygiene. That night dad read the story & asked will you give the fake pearl necklace to me. With tears in her eyes she said – dad, I worked hard for it. Next night same routine & same question & same answer from Serela.  Third night question was repeated. Serela said – I don’t know why dad you ask but I will give it. As dad took the fake pearl necklace in one hand with the other he handed over to Serela a brilliant original Pearl necklace. Serela couldn’t believe her eyes. Her gift for 13 year birthday in few weeks’ time. She cried & hugged dad & mom – dad thank you for teaching me better things in life & lasting friends. (adapted from David Chng, Singapore)

 

To err & make mistakes is a fundamental child right – to rectify error is a blessed parental privilege. Keep time for this. Suffer with your child’s wrong – for the greater suffers for the lesser. sit down with him on a chair with him on your lap. You are not meting out retribution for last error but helping him prevent next error – that’s redemption. Don’t be rushed or angry – child will think he has to be perfect. Then he will hide his errors & have confidants from outside. You loose trust & loyalty not knowing how to manage mistakes. How many mistakes can a child make for a day – 70 times 7. We cannot make a perfect world for parent with no time to redeem mistakes of a child. Mistakes handled right are golden moments for bonding.

 

It’s a modern tragedy that we like to exult in our children’s successes & forsake them in their failure. We need time to coach them – walk alongside – in what they fail or are weak. We need precious time to discern their weakness & be the splint for their fracture. Parents are willing to pay the cost for success but not for recovery from failure – exactly like the corporate. It’s good to pitch the vision – you can be a winner but to convey – you must be a winner, nothing else – will fracture the child. Cartoon heroes, sports heroes, entertainment heroes – all proclaim one compulsion – succeed or perish. Parents are found barking commands – usually about wasting their time. Who should get priority parental time?

Cartoons, stage shows, TV & realty shows recruit fans amongst young & old that the heroes & heroines will have reflecting boards that their glory may glitter. Make no mistake you are only a passive reflecting board – spending your time, passion & money on what is ultimately building the “Valley of Ashes”. Your passion & time would be better invested on coaching your child or older kid in some life skills that will turn their failures to pillars of success. This vaunted success model has eroded into all that is of lasting value – family, fatherhood, motherhood.  We have to save ourselves & our children from the delusion of glory of digital or silver screen substituting for real life sacrifices, hard work which is true greatness saving us all from the fake.

I cannot help but think what a “valley of ashes” parents have created exposing children to overplus of digital screen. In The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the Valley of Ashes was before the giant eyes of the ever present massive digital billboard –  “This is a valley of ashes – a fantastic farm where ashes grow like wheat into ridges and hills and grotesque gardens; where ashes take the forms of houses and chimneys and rising smoke and, finally, with a transcendent effort, of ash-grey men, who move dimly and already crumbling through the powdery air..” Doesn’t this tragically describe the mind view & brain type of children & youth overdosed on digital exposure late into the night on warfare platforms, chats, blogs, selfies etc.?

 

Just the way traditional marriage builds up inward character of couple & children’s future, conventional art helps brain wire well (Art Therapy), Classical Music rewires brain even after strokes and moulding with clay or creole uses the language of spatial orientations & shape to rewire brain, improve handwriting skills & rewire ADHD brains. What conventional art & classical music can do to brain, chaotic art & chaotic music cannot. Even for art & music just like for sexual orientation freedom without form is counterproductive.

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Child Safe Nation

Arresting entertainment mileage garnered from the child rape killing – along with hyped suspense – by many TV & Radio Channels as well as web sites & refusing to subscribe to such gory thrills will help make a Child Safe Nation

1. Child is the priority of the parent
2. Child friendly work policies

Child Safe Nation – Developing an alert system & safety net for children

1. Sensitive class teacher
2. Motivate older siblings
3. Never leave children unattended at home – never for more than one hour
4. Definitive advise to grandparents on do’s & do not’s.
5. Child safety adverts on TV channels & digital screens in supermarkets & other public places
6. Awareness tips for general practitioners, family health clinics,
7. Special surveillance unit at school to monitor child coming from homes where mother is not there
8. Citizen’s vigilance committee system to detect child at risk – organised by Grama Niladari, Children & Women’s Section of Police
9. Ban advertisement using children

10. What more?

Every child is a wonder & a star. So parents accept the child at her limit. Don’t push them till they internally overstretch like the elastic. When child grows without cartoons & digitals she develops internal wonder & become internally eloquent. She thinks for herself & has creative, imaginative reveries from her reading & hearing of stories. Visuals on digitals suppress all this. Let your child grow his own wonder – the way he is made. Interact with them often. Then all their 7 brain tracts are equally for a balanced brilliant product whom you can cherish all your life – not a cookie cut cartoon moulded reflexive mechanised reproduction of digitalisation.

 

Appreciation floods oxytocin all over the brain & dopamine gives energy to do good. Sadly when initiation is negative, dopamine energises bad choices – lust instead of love. Chemicals know no morals. Heart brain does. Take time to appreciate your child rather than only bark commands, correct, rebuke, coach for competition, applaud success. Children grow strong when their mistakes are managed well healthily. Send child to school unhurried, much loved full of kisses & hugs. Let the child’s last memory to school be really good – it protects her. Do not castigate – you are late, hurry up, did you do your recitation, practise elocution last moment. If you loose your temper – don’t be your child’s tutor. Please Practise good HR at home !!

 

The modern parent is stretched – money & time. Many loans & having to match up to what others live bring into family talk – finances, cost cutting & profit. Time after work is also taken by Gym & other social activities before you come home. Time & money spent on child comes under close scrutiny for profitability. Profit language enters home. “What are you doing with our money?” – child is asked. “You are wasting your tuition money – you couldn’t get a prize”. “You are wasting our money, you couldn’t get a placement in the First Eleven”. The pinch of stretched time & finances is borne by the child who has to show parental profit for investment. Kids also talk entitlement. “I should have got more”.